Lifting Our Thoughts

LIFTING OUR THOUGHTS

Allen W. Smith, Ph.D.

THINKING OUR WAY TO A BETTER LIFE

1. “What do we live for if it is not to make life less difficult for each other?”--George Eliot

What would life be like if we lived all alone on this earth without family, without friends, and without neighbors? Suppose we had no other person with whom to share our joys, problems, laughter and tears? Imagine never being able to have a conversation with another person or never seeing a human smile.

It is impossible for the human mind to fully comprehend what such a life would be like, but it would certainly be a miserable existence for most of us. Thankfully, we don’t have to think of such a world, because we all have other people in our lives. Some of us are more fortunate than others in that we have family and good friends as well as neighbors and co-workers. But nobody in this world needs to be totally alone.

Aren’t fellow human beings really the most important thing in our lives? Don’t we get more pleasure from personal relationships than from worldly possessions? If we were to lose all our material possessions, would that be as bad as losing contact with all other human beings? Can you think of anything that would be worse than having no contact with other people?

Some of us recognize the value of personal relationships early in life and place a high priority on these relationships throughout life. Unfortunately some people have their priorities turned upside down. They think that they must first become rich and famous, and they are willing to elbow their way toward that goal without giving much thought to others. Once they get to the top, they will have lots of friends they foolishly imagine. Their marriage prospects will be better once they are successful, and they will then be able to afford the time necessary to cultivate good and lasting friendships they tell themselves.

People throughout the ages have fallen victim to the myth that material possessions are more important than personal relationships, and many of them have gone to their graves leaving behind lost of money, but few true friends. If they have families, they usually regret not having spent more quality time with them instead of putting so much focus on fame and fortune, and they so wish that they could live their lives over. But none of us are ever granted such a wish.

We have but one life, and none of us knows how long it will last. Each and every day that we live is only less day left in the rest of our lives. We must get our priorities straight and keep the straight. To repeat the above words of George Eliot, “What do we live for if it is not to make life less difficult for each other?” Think about it.

2. “Those who bring sunshine to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves.” --James M. Barrie

The above quotation from James Barrie is one of my favorites of all the quotations I have come across throughout my life. Many years ago, when I first discovered these powerful words, I burned them into a cedar board and put the homemade sign in my garden. I have moved many times over the years, but that old sign always goes with me and finds a home in my new garden. These words have become a part of my basic philosophy of life. They are akin to the Golden Rule, and I believe that people who bring sunshine to the lives of others are bound to find happiness whether they are looking for it or not.

Wanting to do things to brighten the lives of others is indeed a “magnificent obsession.” If we focus all out attention on finding pleasure and happiness for ourselves, we have no time left to consider the needs of others, and we still may not find happiness. Happiness comes more often to those who do not seek it than to those who are obsessed with their own pleasure. This doesn’t mean that we should deny ourselves the pleasures of life. It simply means that, in addition to pursuing our own pleasures, we should also try to bring sunshine to the lives of others.

We are all traveling the same ship of life, and that journey is so much more pleasant when we help one another. We have periods of weakness when we need a helping hand from someone else, and we should be willing to offer a hand of assistance to others whenever the need and the opportunity arises. Our goals should not be self-centered on ourselves alone, but instead should be focused on improving the lot of both ourselves and those around us.

Some peoples just seem to be born to help others, and they go through life showering sunshine on others. However, there are other people who wouldn’t give a passerby the time of day unless there was something in it for them. It is hard for some of us to understand how anyone can be so selfish, but many people are. They seem to think that life owes them a living and a happy life. They are seekers and receivers but almost never givers. The irony is that those who focus all their attention on finding self-gratification are usually far less happy thon those who make a special effort to shower sunshine into the lives of others. They seek happiness but receive little whereas the givers seek to give happiness to others but, in the process, also find it for themselves. Think about it.

3. If only we’d stop trying to be happy we’d have a pretty good time.”

—Edith Wharton

The primary goal in life for many people is to be as happy as they can possibly be. They devote much of their journey through life to seeking additional happiness for themselves. They focus on what they consider to be the causes of their unhappiness and try to remove all obstacles to their happiness. They usually see wealth, power, and status as the tools they need to attain maximum happiness.

I believe that such people are totally on the wrong track, and I don’t believe that very many of them ever find lasting true happiness no matter how long they live or how many goodies they accumulate. The route they are traveling breeds selfishness, hostility, and constant conflict between them and their fellow travelers—an environment that is not very conducive to happiness. I believe such people are totally misreading our true purpose on earth.

Sir William Osler, the great Canadian physician who helped transform medical education by bringing the teaching of medicine into the hospital wards, was one of the most respected and loved physicians of his day. Osler had a very different view of our purpose in life. He said, “We are here not to get all we can out of life for ourselves, but to try to make the lives of others happier.” I share Osler’s view. I believe that our main purpose on earth is to help reduce the suffering of those around us and to work to make the world a better place for both our generation and future generations. I further believe that those people who dedicate their lives to helping others are far happier than those who concentrate all their efforts on getting as much out of life for themselves as possible.

The very notion that we were born to go on a grand lifetime shopping spree, piling our cart as full as possible, without giving any thought to the needs of others, is repugnant to me. Compassion and empathy are two of the traits that I most admire in humans. They are what separate us from lower animal species. These traits make us very special and precious in the eyes of God.

I believe the happiest people on this earth are those who give little or no thought to their own happiness. They are people who feel blessed to have been born and want only to live good lives and help others. They see unmet needs and try to fill them. They see suffering and try to alleviate it. They do these things, not in order to be rewarded, but because in their minds that is what God wants them to do. But, despite their lack of focus on their own happiness, they find they are nevertheless abundantly happy. They don’t seek happiness, but happiness comes to them as a byproduct of their efforts to help others. Think about it.

Copyright 2009 Allen W. Smith

4. “The world’s literature and folklore are full of stories that point out how futile it can be to seek happiness. Rather, happiness is a blessing that comes to you as you go along; a treasure that you incidentally find.”—Louis Binstock

Happiness is a blessing that comes to people who are focusing on helping others and trying to make the world a better place. In the words of former Supreme Court Justice, Hugo Black, “It is the paradox of life that the way to miss pleasure is to seek it first. The very first condition of lasting happiness is that a life should be full of purpose, aiming at something outside self.” The truth of this profound statement by Justice Black has been known by wise men throughout history. However, it is not a common belief even today.

As we travel the road of life, we should be focusing on the journey, one day at a time, not on a long-term destination. Many people think of their ultimate destination as reaching a station in life where they will have enough wealth, status, and power to live happily ever after, but few reach such a station. Instead, like everyone else, they eventually discover that the ultimate destination for all of us is the grave. Our journey from birth to death offers much opportunity for serving our fellow citizens. If we focus on being as productive as possible, and on doing whatever we can to reduce the suffering of those around us, we will almost certainly be happy, even though we may have never set happiness as one of our goals.

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. pointed out the same paradox of happiness as that stated by Justice Hugo Black. Dr. King said, “Those who are not looking for happiness are the most likely to find it, because those who are searching forget that the surest way to be happy is to seek happiness for others.” My observations throughout life lead me to believe that people whose primary goal in life is to find happiness for themselves almost never find it. By contrast, those who focus on being productive and responsible citizens rarely focus on happiness as a specific goal in life. Yet, they are the ones who become truly happy because a by-product of bringing happiness to others is bringing happiness to ourselves. Sir James Barrie said, “Those who bring sunshine to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves.” The great humanitarian, Dr. Albert Schweitzer, who dedicated his life to helping others, gave the following advice to his fellow citizens of the world. He said, “The only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve.” Think about it.

Copyright 2009 Allen W. Smith

Posted 01/27/09

5. “If you look for the bad in people expecting to find it, you surely will.”—Abraham Lincoln

There is both some good, and some bad, in every person on this earth. We are all a mixture of both good and bad, and most of us tend to use ourselves as the yard stick with which we measure others.. However, the fact that a person thinks and behaves differently than we do does not necessarily make that person either good or bad. They are just different. A large diamond may have flaws, but it is still beautiful if we just look beyond the flaws. The same is true of people. Just because we observe some flaws in individuals doesn’t mean that we should throw them away. If we look closely, we will almost inevitably find some good characteristics as well.

I believe that we should try to see the good in people instead of looking only for the bad. To a large extent, when it comes to judging other people, we tend to usually find whatever we are expecting to find. There are some people who manage to see good in almost everyone. Unfortunately, however, some other people have a tendency to try to build themselves up by tearing other people down. By finding faults in others, they mentally diminish their our own faults, if indeed they are willing to acknowledge having any faults.

I once read about a realtor who had a ready answer for potential home buyers who wanted to know what the neighbors were like in the area where they were considering buying a new home. The realtor would ask his clients what the neighbors were like where they currently lived. Then, regardless of their response, he would say, “I think you’ll find the neighbors here very much like those from your former neighborhood.” That realtor was right on target. People who complain about their former neighbors will almost certainly complain about their new neighbors. Similarly, people who have succeeded in making friends with their neighbors in their previous community are likely to do the same in their new neighborhood.

Efforts to find faults in others is a waste of time and effort because there is nothing we can do to eliminate the faults we find. It is simply impossible to change another person unless they also have a desire to be changed. However, we can change ourselves if we recognize our own faults and make an effort to correct them. So if we want to make this a better world by changing people, we should analyze our own faults and then work toward self-improvement. Think about it.

6 “A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It’s jolted by every pebble on the road.” —Henry Ward Beacher

The road of life is strewn with pebbles of various sizes, and there will even be a few boulders along the way. We can wish that it weren’t so, or wish that we could travel a different road than everyone else travels, but wishing alone never accomplishes anything. To use the words of author, M. Scott Peck, M.D., “Life is difficult.” We must take life as it comes, but there are some things we can do to help buffer the jolts

The one characteristic that provides the greatest armor to protect us against the hazards along the road of life is a strong, well-developed, sense of humor, and those people who lack this characteristic are at the mercy of everyone else. According to William Arthur Ward, “A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your steps as you walk the tightrope of life.”

When we experience frustration, we are bound to have an emotional response. That response will either be humor or anger. Anger is a negative emotion that hurts us and others. If we can replace it with humor, everybody benefits. When I was young, I took things a lot more seriously than I do today, and as a result I was all tensed up much of the time. As a young high school teacher, in a school where the principal had allowed discipline to almost totally break down, I became so upset that I had to begin taking doctor prescribed tranquilizers.

Among other things, I was assigned to morning hall patrol duty to look out for problems and report them to the principal. The boys delighted in pushing large file cabinets in front of the girl’s restroom door, effectively locking the girls inside. I would rush down to the principal’s office to inform him of the problem, but when I returned with the principal, the boys would have removed the file cabinets making me look like a real fool. That was one of many problems I had trying to maintain discipline in the unruly school. The principal’s advice to me was to just try to laugh off the problems. It sure didn’t seem funny to me at the time, and I still believe the principal could have done a better job in quelling the anarchy that reigned in his school. However, as I look back at the situation, I realize just how much I needed a better sense of humor at the time just to survive.

Humor doesn’t solve problems, but like the shock absorbers on an automobile, they sure can make the ride a lot smoother. The next time you become badly frustrated, why not try to see if you can find any humor in the situation that is frustrating you? Think about it.

7. “Success is peace of mind which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you did your best to become the best you are capable of becoming.”—John Wooden

Success is not to be measured by the position we have reached in life, or even by whether or not we have reached the goals that we have set for ourselves. Success comes from working hard to become the best that we are capable of becoming.

We all have a unique set of talents and opportunities in life, and our goal should be to make the most of what we have. If we are born with the wings of a wren, we cannot possibly fly like an eagle, no matter how hard we try. On the other hand, we can’t know whether we have the wings of a wren or those of an eagle unless we test our abilities to the limits. However, once we have determined our limits with a reasonable degree of certainty, how much sense does it make to continue to strive to exceed them?

We live in a very competitive society, and I think some parents put too much pressure on their children to reach goals that may be beyond their reach. In an effort to meet the expectations of parents and others, some individuals continue to over-pressure themselves throughout their entire lives. Life is a journey, but it is not necessarily a race. If we rush through life, always focusing on unreachable goals, we don’t have time to stop and smell the roses along life’s pathway, and the so-called “sweet smell of success”, if we do experience it, may not compensate for the aroma of all those roses that we never took the time to enjoy.

It is difficult to know just how much pressure we should put on ourselves and others to achieve. Some of us have a natural tendency toward laziness which we should not condone. I believe we have a responsibility to make the most of our God-given talents for the benefit of ourselves and society as a whole, and nobody is entitled to a free ride through life. However, having said that, I also believe that some people live miserable lives because they are always striving for goals beyond their reach.

Competition is crucial to the proper functioning of a free-enterprise economy as well as to the success of individuals. However, some people are better equipped to compete than others. Success is the result of a combination of hard work and the talents and opportunities that we have, and it cannot be assured by hard work alone. If we have the wings of an eagle we should certainly fly like an eagle. However, if we have only the wings of a wren, we should be content to just be the best little wren on earth. Think about it.

8. “I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back.”—Maya Angelou

Life is a two-way street, or at least it should be. There are times when we are so down that we need a lot of support from others just to keep on going. But, during times when life is going pretty smoothly for us, we are in a position to be givers and to do everything we can to help others who have faltered get back up and resume their journey. We are all natural receivers, having been born as helpless infants and having had to rely on others for our very survival. However, our role as givers must be learned. As we gradually mature over the years, most of us learn to empathize with the suffering of others and feel a desire to do what we can in an effort to reduce that suffering.

Unfortunately, however, not everyone chooses to be a giver. It is natural to love ourselves and to look out for our best interests, and nobody can be faulted for doing just that, as long as they recognize the suffering of others and try to do what they can to relieve it. However, some people become so obsessed with themselves and their own problems that they fail to see and care about the problems of others. Such people are called narcissists. Narcissism is a personality disorder named for the mythological “Narcissus” who fell in love with his own reflection. Narcissism is characterized by extreme self-absorption, an exaggerated sense of self-importance, and a need for attention and admiration from others.

We must recognize that we are all traveling the same journey, and we should work together as a team to facilitate a successful trip for all. Problems are like a contagious disease, and nobody gets through life without experiencing them. When we have serious problems, ourselves, we often become so self-obsessed that we do not see the problems of others. That is understandable. However, during periods when we are fortunate enough to be free of imminent major problems, we should make an effort to help others who are not so lucky. The road of life has many stumbling blocks and none of us can avoid all of them. However, none of us need to travel alone.

As we make the journey, we should try to empathize with our fellow travelers and hope that they will empathize with us. When others stumble, we should extend them helping hands in an effort to assist them in getting up and resuming the journey. When we, ourselves, stumble, we should reach out for the helping hands of others. By doing so, we increase the chances of everyone making it to the finish line. Think about it.

9. “It must be borne in mind that the tragedy of life does not lie in not reaching your goal. The tragedy of life lies in having no goal to reach”—Benjamin E. Mays

One of the most important sources of both happiness and accomplishment in life is having meaningful goals. They give us a reason to get out of bed each morning, a sense of direction, and a perception of our purpose in life. To be meaningful, goals must be challenging, but potentially within our reach. We must be able to feel that we can attain our goals if we work hard enough and long enough.

In order for them to serve as a compass with which to navigate through life, goals must be fairly specific. To want to be “as successful and productive in life as possible” is not a specific enough goal, because there is no standard with which we can measure our success or failure in reaching the goal. On the other hand, to set becoming president of the United States as our goal would, for most of us, be dooming ourselves to fail. It would be more reasonable to aspire to become a member of the state legislature or the U.S. Congress, at least as a first step.

We need to have both short-term and intermediate-term goals as well as long-term ones. A journey of a thousand miles is taken one mile at a time, and we must focus our attention on what lies immediately ahead of us while still keeping the ultimate, long-term goal in the back of our mind. Probably the most successful people are those who set attainable goals, work hard to reach them, and then, when a goal is reached, they set a new, higher goal.

Although persistence and perseverance are very important to achieving our goals, so is flexibility. We all make mistakes in judgment and learn from experience. We should not blindly continue to pursue a goal that new information tells us is not in our best interest or the best interest of others. It doesn’t make sense to keep on climbing the same ladder if we discover that the ladder is leaning against the wrong wall.

We must also be careful that our goals are not totally selfish. It’s alright to become rich and famous, if that is a by-product of our efforts to make this a better world. It is not alright, in my opinion, to aspire to goals that are based solely on our desire for fame and fortune. Service to others is the rent we pay for our space on this earth, and we want to make sure that we don’t get behind on our rent payments. As I have written in this column many times before, I believe that our primary purpose on earth is to help reduce the suffering of those around us and to make this a better world for both the present and future generations. Think about it.

10. “The word ‘happiness’ would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness.”

—Carl Jung

Happiness, like so many things in life, must be viewed relative to its opposite, sadness. There is no such thing as pure and complete joy, just as it is not possible to experience pure and complete sorrow on a permanent basis. At any given point in time, we will all be experiencing a mix or blend of happiness and sadness. The mix of sunshine and darkness in our lives determines which pole we are closest to--happiness or sadness. It is only because we have experienced darkness that we find sunshine so wonderful.

Nobody can experience complete and perpetual happiness. Trouble makes its way into all our lives from time to time, and we can’t be completely happy during times of trouble. On the other hand, we should not allow ourselves to experience only sadness no matter how many problems we have. We all have reason to be thankful as long as we continue to breathe. The gift of life alone should prevent us from collapsing in total despair no matter how bad things get. As long as there is life, there is always hope.

The happiest people are probably those who realize that none of us can possibly experience pure and total happiness all the time. Into each and every life some rain will fall, and none of us will experience continuous sunshine. If we expect, and try to prepare for, the adversity that we will all experience at times in life, once we get through the rainy periods and sunshine once again warms our hearts and bodies, we can enjoy that sunshine to the fullest.

Life is difficult, and none of us get through it without at least a few bruises. Some adversity is unavoidable, but it can make us stronger and lead us to appreciate life even more when things are going well. We can all be somewhat happy some of the time, but none of us can be ecstatically happy all the time. We must accept this reality. But life can be absolutely wonderful for most of us much of the time if we will focus on the big picture. There are pluses and minuses in all stages of life but, on balance, overall life can be a huge plus.

We may have only limited control over what happens to us in life, but we have a great deal of control over how we react to life’s events. Our attitudes toward life probably play a bigger role in determining whether or not we will be happy than the actual circumstances of life. It is a matter of whether we view our glass as half full or half empty. Those of us who see our glass as half full can anticipate that the filling process will continue. Those who think their glass is half empty are likely to expect the emptying process to continue. Doesn’t it make a lot more sense to view our glass as in the process of being filled than in the process of being emptied? Think about it.

11. “The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.”—Ralph Waldo Emerson

Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882) grew up in poverty, and his father died when he was only eight years old, leaving his mother to raise five sons. Two of his brothers suffered from mental illness, and Emerson, himself, suffered from poor health, including a lung disease and periods of temporary blindness until he was 30. In addition, Emerson’s first wife died young, and his first son, Waldo, died while still a child.

Emerson certainly did not have an easy life, and some people growing up under such circumstances would have developed a bitter attitude toward the world. By contrast, Emerson developed a moral philosophy, based on optimism and individualism and became an American literary giant who had an important influence on the writings of Henry David Thoreau, Herman Melville, Walt Whitman, Emily Dickinson, Henry James, and Robert Frost.

Emerson advocated living life in such a way as to be “useful”, “honorable,” and “compassionate,” with the goal of making a difference in this world because you have lived and lived well. What a profoundly loving attitude this is, especially coming from a person who had more than his share of suffering. What a different world this would be if everybody sought to be useful, honorable, and compassionate.

There is such a strong need in the world today for the traits emphasized by Emerson. Examples of less than honorable behavior in both government and the private sector seem to be proliferating in today’s world. And the very concept of compassionate behavior is becoming less popular with some arguing that acts of compassion, especially those that are government sponsored, are more vice than virtue. Furthermore, our society has become more cutthroat with more emphasis placed on looking out for oneself than on looking out for others and society as a whole.

There seems to be a tendency for some to forget that we are all traveling on the same boat and we should all be working to keep that boat afloat both for the sake of others as well as for our own sake. I fear that our society has in recent years shown less and less concern for the disadvantaged members of our society. I don’t think that history supports the notion that what’s good for big business is also good for the average citizen. I believe that the philosophy under which our government has been operating in recent years is at odds with Emerson’s view on the purpose of life.

Although Emerson did not believe that the purpose of life was to be happy, people who focus their lives on being useful, honorable, and compassionate, will almost certainly end up being happy. In the words of Sir James Barrie, “Those who bring sunshine to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves.” Think about it.

12. "Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.”--Epicurus

The above words were uttered by the Greek philosopher, Epicurus, more than 2000 years ago, but they are just as applicable today as they were then. The profound truth underlying the advice given by Epicurus so long ago still escapes many people and often leads to unhappiness where all the ingredients for happiness are present.

Happiness is a journey, not a destination. When we take a motor trip, we don’t wait until we reach our ultimate destination to begin enjoying the scenery. We try to enjoy every mile of the trip. The same should be true of life’s journey. We should try to enjoy each and every day as it comes, instead of spoiling our days by desiring things that we do not have and cannot have at least in the present. Most people seem to have such an ongoing appetite for material things that it is like a bottomless pit. The moment they get whatever is the top priority on their wish list, something else moves to the top of the list and becomes the focus of their lust.

No human being will ever have everything that he or she wants. Some may reach the point where they can have everything that money can buy, but they will still not be satisfied. There are many things that money cannot buy such as love and peace of mind.

There is a tendency for many rich people to enter the field of politics in the hope that fame and power will bring them the happiness that has so far alluded them, but it rarely works. While money does play an important role in American politics and enables some people to rise to positions of power and prestige that would have been impossible based on their talents alone, I don’t believe these people find the happiness that they thought would be associated with political success.

The only way to find true happiness is to learn to be happy even when we have many unmet desires. If we have the basic necessities of life, good health, and someone to love who loves us back, we have the potential to be as happy as the wealthiest person in this world. We can be as happy as it is possible to be right now without the many wished for items that we do not yet have. As unmet wants are satisfied over time, they will be appreciated, but they will not necessarily make us happier. As Abraham Lincoln said, “Most people are just about as happy as they make up their minds to be. Think about it. .

13. “I would much rather have regrets about not doing what people said, than regretting not doing what my heart led me to and wondering what life would have been like if I’d just been myself.”—Brittany Renee

Most of us hate conflict with others, and some people, known as, “people pleasers,” will go to great lengths to avoid such conflict. I was once told by such a person, “I know how to get along with anyone.” That person then proceeded to tell me, “If you just let other people always have their way, it’s easy to get along with them.” Unfortunately, some people see such action as a virtue. The statement “he (or she) can get along with anyone,” is usually intended as a compliment, and there is virtue in having diplomatic skills and trying to make peace whenever it is possible. However, there are times when we must stand firm on basic principles even if other people are displeased by our actions. Winston Churchill said, “An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile—hoping it will eat him last.” Similarly, a person who goes against his or her own principles in order to avoid conflict with someone who is clearly in the wrong is only buying a little time, usually at someone else’s expense. In the early days of the civil rights movement, progress was a lot slower than it would have been if everyone had followed their own conscience instead of trying to please the vocal majority who often favored maintaining the status quo. If an individual believes strongly in a principle, he or she should stand up for it, even if doing so makes that person unpopular with others. The privilege of living in a country with so much freedom as we have in America gives us a responsibility to think for ourselves and to act on our convictions. We all care about what others think of us, but I believe we should put more emphasis on what we think of ourselves than on what others might think of us. The only person that we really have to please in life is our self, and that is about the only person that we are capable of pleasing over the long term. I do believe that there is much to be said for trying to live with others in harmony and trying to be peacemakers when possible. I also believe there are many petty disputes where there is so little at stake that it is better to bend a little than to make a big issue out of a minor disagreement. In addition, there are relationships, such as our relationship with our employer, where failure to please the other person may be so costly that we will have little choice but to be pleasers at least in the short term until we can find another source of employment. But as a matter of basic principle, I believe that we should follow our hearts—not what other people say. Think about it. Copyright 2007 Allen W. Smith

14. “Three grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.”—Joseph Addison

English author, Joseph Addison, wrote the above words nearly 300 years ago. They were true then, and they are true today. Love, occupation, and hope are three of the most important of life’s essentials.

Love is perhaps the most powerful force on this earth, and I doubt that anybody has ever been truly happy who was not capable of both giving and receiving love. Love can be defined as a deep and tender feeling of affection for or attachment and devotion to a person or persons. It is a feeling of brotherhood and good will toward other people. When a person we love is hurting, we hurt too. Our own individual happiness is affected by the happiness or lack of happiness of those we love. We all need to love and be loved. Love is an amazing ingredient. Unlike most other ingredients, with love the more we give away the more we still have. Love is the fuel that propels the universe, and the more love we share, the happier we will all be.

Occupation is that which chiefly engages one’s time. It is what we do with the time we have on earth. It is not restricted to what we do to earn a living, but also includes what we do to help others and what we do for our own pleasure. Everybody needs to have something meaningful to do, and how we spend our time is an important determinant of happiness. We all have to spend some of our time doing things that we would prefer not to do. But most of us have some control over how we spend a large portion of our time. How we choose to spend the time that is under our control can make the difference between a happy life and an unhappy one.

Hope is a feeling that what is wanted will happen. It is desire accompanied by expectation. No matter how bleak life may seem at times, hope is what keeps us going. We never know for sure what we will discover just around the next bend or over the next rise in the road of life. We must use our imagination to create possible scenarios of what lies ahead, and we have the capability of imagining either the best or the worst. Those people who have a positive attitude about life will imagine a future that gives strength to their hope.

Love, occupation, and hope are essential to a happy life and, as long as we are still breathing, they are within the reach of everyone. If we are not as happy as we would like to be, we should self evaluate how loving we are, how well we are spending our time, and how much hope we have in our mind. Then we should consider what we might do to be more loving, find better uses for our time, and maintain a more positive attitude about the future. Think about it.

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15. "Learn the sweet magic of a cheerful face--not always smiling, but at least serene."--Oliver Wendell Holmes

We all have our share of troubles in life, and keeping our spirits high on a consistent basis is very difficult for most of us. But there are things we can do to help us maximize our happiness in the face of adversity. Positive thinking has long been recognized as a valuable aid for coping with life. But sometimes it is hard, if not impossible, to think positively. What can we do to make our quest for a positive outlook on life easier?

One of the most effective things that many of us can do is to follow the advice of Oliver Wendell Holmes. We need literally to learn the sweet magic of a cheerful face. There is indeed a certain kind of magic in training ourselves to maintain a cheerful face consistently. Of course, there are times when we face such tragedy that none of us can maintain a cheerful face. And certainly we cannot wear a smile at all times. But, if we can't smile, couldn't we at least maintain a serene expression on our face?

Some people claim that it is physically impossible to remain sad while we are smiling. Is there something about the physical act of forcing ourselves to maintain a cheerful face that actually makes us feel better? If we consciously work to keep a pleasant expression on our face as much of the time as possible, might it not eventually become almost natural to do so? Some people who have tried it believe that the answer to both questions is a resounding yes.

None of us can be happy all the time. During times of great adversity it is natural and even beneficial to grieve, but what about the rest of the time? What about all those times when we are faced with only minor problems? Isn't it possible that during such times we can actually influence our moods by thinking positively and maintaining a cheerful face as much of the time as possible?

And what about the effects of our cheerful faces on other people with whom we come into contact? Can enthusiasm for life and a cheerful attitude be contagious? Is it possible that, in addition to making ourselves feel better, we also make others feel better when we are cheerful? Suppose it were possible to convince every individual in a town, a country, or even the world, to participate in a week-long experiment in which they simultaneously forced themselves to appear cheerful for an entire week? What would happen at the end of the experiment? Would things go back to normal? Or, would there be a permanent change?

16. "Be careful how you live. You may be the only Bible some person ever reads."—William J. Toms

We are all influenced by other people, and our actions and words often have a profound influence on people who are observing us. People choose role models for a variety of reasons, and we never know who might be looking to us for that purpose. Certainly parents are usually role models for their children, and people who have any degree of celebrity status are often imitated. But sometimes people who have been chosen as models to follow by others may have no idea that they are having such a strong influence on other people.

Our behavior can have a bigger impact on society than we ever imagine. Some of us, who consider ourselves just ordinary people, may not be so ordinary in the eyes of some small child who decides to imitate us. Our behavior may serve as a model for the child who tries to copy our personality traits. If that happens, our behavior may affect that child and everyone he or she comes into contact with throughout life. Even the thought of such an awesome possibility should cause us to reexamine the way we are living our lives.

How can we avoid having a negative impact on others who might be trying to imitate us? The answer to that question is easy. If we live the kind of lives that we know we should be living, we won't have to worry about having a negative impact on anyone. We all have basic instincts that tell us how we should live. The problem is that many of us do not want to live that kind of life. We are torn between what our higher selves tell us we should do, and what our lower selves tell us that we want to do. Most of us are urged by our higher selves to live exemplary lives. But our lower selves nag at us to look out for number one. It is up to us to make the choice as to which urges we will follow. Basically, we choose the kind of life we live.

Certainly external forces often affect the choices available to us, but still we can choose to serve humanity in addition to ourselves, or we can follow our selfish urges and live as if our sole purpose in life was to seek self gratification. Which choice would we like those around us to make? Do we have any right to make a choice different from that which we think others should make?

17. "Each day the world is born anew for him who takes it rightly."--James Russell Lowell

Each day is the first day of the rest of our lives and offers us the opportunity for a new start. We must learn to live each day to the fullest, and we can do that only if we learn to live in the present. Too many of us consider individual days as little more than stepping stones towards goals in the distant future. We think of them as rungs on a ladder that will move us a little closer to the top. That is no way to live our lives. What if we reach the top of the ladder only to realize that the ladder is against the wrong wall? Happiness and success are journeys--not destinations--and we can never find happiness or success at the end of any road. Instead, we must travel a road where these conditions exist along the route every step of the way. If we can't find happiness and success in the present, we will never find them in the future. Those who find true happiness pursue the goal of achieving as much success, and finding as much happiness, as possible each and every day of their lives. One of the great paradoxes of our time is that so many people seem to believe that the surest routes to happiness are the accumulation of material wealth and the attainment of social status. "If I can just become rich and famous, I will be truly happy," so many of us think. But life just doesn't work that way. Since the hunger for fame and fortune is never satisfied, the more fame or fortune a person attains, the more he or she craves. We must find happiness within ourselves--not in the external world. For many people, happiness comes from the simple things in life and from trying to make others happy. Happiness is contagious, and the more of it we give to others the more we will have for ourselves. Each day we have a new opportunity to find happiness; and unless we are able to learn to be happy on a day-to-day basis, we will probably never find true happiness. Certainly there are times, such as after the loss of a loved one, when we are hurting so much that we cannot find happiness in the immediate future. But, during those periods when we have not recently suffered a major loss, all of us should be able to find at least some happiness in each and every day. If we can't, perhaps we are traveling the wrong road.

18. "It is helpful to look at your life and ask: 'If I had one more year to live, what would I do?' We all have things we want to achieve. Don't just put them off--do them now!”--John Goddard

Far too many of us live life as if it were going to go on forever. We put off things until tomorrow when we can never be sure there will be a tomorrow. Suppose we all knew for sure that we had only one more year to live. How would we spend that year? Would we continue to live very much the way we are now living? If we can answer yes to this question, then we are probably doing a pretty good job of living our lives already. But, if we would behave very differently during the next year if we knew we had only one more year to live, then we are probably traveling the wrong road. When we are young, time seems to pass so slowly that "the rest of our life" seems almost like an eternity. We feel that we have so much time left that we can afford to squander it. But, as we grow older, the pace of life seems to accelerate at an ever-increasing speed so that we become increasingly aware of our own mortality. As we move into our senior years, some of us begin to panic. We have so much yet to do and so little time in which to do it. We begin to see the importance of each and every single day and try to get as much out of each day as possible. Isn't it a shame that we can't take a more mature attitude toward life while we are still young? Wouldn't it be so much better if we could all understand the limited nature of life in our youth and start trying to make the most of each day in our life? Some people have done exactly that, And they have accomplished so much during their lifetimes that we wonder how they ever found enough time. They simply saw time as a precious gift that should never be squandered no matter how long we think we are going to live.

Some of us believe that our purpose on earth involves more than just trying to accomplish things we want to accomplish for ourselves. We believe we have a duty to try to make life better for those around us and to try to make the world a better place for future generations. Those who share these views realize that we should never squander time. Any time we have, in excess of the time we need for ourselves, should be spent trying to make this a better world. If we all shared this view and behaved accordingly, wouldn't this be a very different world?

19. "A friend may well be reckoned a masterpiece of nature."--Ralph Waldo Emerson

Friends are priceless gems that enrich our lives beyond measure. Without friends, there would be nobody with whom to share our joys and our heartaches. There would be nobody with whom to communicate our most private thoughts. A life without friends would be a very empty life. Thomas Jefferson wrote, "The happiest moments of my life have been in the flow of affection among friends." Few people in the history of mankind have had the superb talents and accomplishments of Jefferson. Yet, this very extraordinary man considered the times he spent with friends the happiest moments of his life. Is the same not true for all of us? If we all sat down to make a list of our most important and valuable assets, many of us would be inclined to put material things like possessions and careers at the top of the list. Some of us might even forget to include friends among our assets. But some people contend that, "Friends are everything." Perhaps, in a large sense, they are. Robert Louis Stevenson wrote, "A friend is a present you give yourself." John Keats confessed, "I would not live without the love of my friends." Friendship is an asset that is not related to one's financial wealth. Some of the "poorest" people have very close friends, and financial wealth is more likely to be a hindrance than a help in developing true friendships. Unlike other assets, friendship is within the reach of every living person. It takes time and work to develop good friendships, but everything worth having requires effort. Perhaps it behooves us all to take inventory of our friends. If we are well blessed with good friends, shouldn't we be careful not to take them for granted? And, if we feel that we have too few friends, wouldn't it make sense to work just a little harder at developing friendships? Maybe one of our major goals in life should be to strive to enjoy the company of our fellow human beings as much as possible. Friends come in all sizes and ages. We need not restrict our attempts to develop new friends to people our own age. Some of the best and most productive friendships are between the very young and the very old. Each age group has so much to offer other age groups. The wisdom of the elderly can enlighten their juniors, and the enthusiasm of the young is a source of rejuvenation for seniors. And we must never forget that our very best friends are often members of our own family.

20. "Behold the turtle: He makes progress only when he sticks his neck out."--James Bryant Conant

It is human nature to be reluctant to take chances. Most of us prefer the security of the status quo over the gamble of taking chances that might lead to success, but also might lead to failure and embarrassment. But how much progress can we make either as individuals or as a society if we are not willing to stick out our necks occasionally? Eugene O'Neill wrote, "Happiness hates the timid! So does Science!" Was he right? Does timidity reduce our happiness and impede progress? Of course, there is a difference between timidity and reasonable caution, but the line between the two is indeed a very fine line. According to an old Malaysian proverb, "Fear to let fall a drop and you spill a lot." Too much caution can be just as bad as too little. Helen Keller wrote, "Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. The fearful are caught as often as the bold." How many of us settle for a less enjoyable life than we could have if we were less afraid to take chances? How many of us are too afraid to cultivate friendships for fear we might be rejected? How many of us are afraid to try new things because of our fear of the unknown? Some of us exaggerate the consequences of having something we try not work out. We have an unhealthy fear of failure. Perhaps if we tried more things we would discover that it is not as bad to face failure occasionally as it is to be afraid to try new things. In the words of Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Do not be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment." The problem for all of us is to strike the right balance between caution and boldness. We all know people who are not cautious enough. Some people risk their own lives as well as the lives of others because they are not fearful enough of the dangers that face us all. In matters that could pose a real threat to our lives and safety, most of us would rather err on the side of being too cautious than not being careful enough. That seems to be only common sense. But what about those situations where the worst that can happen to us if we fail is embarrassment? Is the threat of embarrassment, or even total humiliation, sufficient reason for us to forego trying things that might enrich our lives? In the words of Logan Pearsall Smith, "What is more mortifying than to feel that you have missed the plum for want of courage to shake the tree?"

21. "This time like all other times is a very good one if we but know what to do with it."--Ralph Waldo Emerson

How many of us spend much of our lives wishing for better times? We may wish we could turn back the pages of time to an earlier period that now appears to have been much better than the present. Or we may wish to move forward in time to some hoped-for happy moment in the future. It is the present that most of us have trouble living in. Yet that is the only time period in which we can ever live. Is it possible that the "good old days" weren't as good as we remember them? Are we remembering only the good parts of the past and blocking from our memories the unpleasant parts? Are we focusing too much on the negative aspects of the present and ignoring some pretty good aspects of our current lives? Walt Whitman wrote, "To me, every hour of the day and night is an unspeakably perfect miracle." Most of us cannot even come close to this level of positive thinking. But if we really try, can't we almost always find something good about almost every day, or at least every stage, of our lives? Certainly we all face times of great tragedy, such as the loss of a loved one, during which our grief prevents us from seeing the positive things that are going on around us. But, aside from such difficult times of life, isn't there something good about all phases of our lives? Growing older, having our children grow up and leave home, and retirement are examples of things that bring about major changes in our lives. Many of us find that as we grow older we are forced to give up some activities that we enjoyed so much in our younger years. But aren't there new activities available to us that can replace the lost ones? And if our children who get married and leave home provide us with grandchildren, isn't that at least partial compensation for our losses? Even such tragedies as the unexpected loss of a job can sometimes have a happy ending. Often people who lose their jobs enter new even more-rewarding careers. We must be careful in making such generalizations, though. Many people who lose their jobs have to settle for less-rewarding jobs, and we must try to understand why these people often justifiably feel bitter. But perhaps our biggest challenge is in knowing how to adjust to change. Maybe Emerson was right that this time is also a good time if we know what to do with it.

22. "Never exchange a good conscience for the good-will of others or to avoid their ill-will."--Charles Simmons

We all like to please, and sometimes we are tempted to compromise our principles just to avoid conflict. But we must be careful that we don't bend too far. It is better to offend someone than to behave in a way that we will later regret. None of us have to win any popularity contests, and most of us who truly stand by our convictions will at times experience the anger of others. But, making someone else angry may be a small price to pay for being able to live according to our own conscience. This does not mean that we should be confrontational about most things. Most of the time our disagreements with others are over such minor things that it may be best to keep our mouths shut. All of us are entitled to our opinions, and just because the opinions of others are different from our own doesn't necessarily mean that they are wrong and we are right. Often it is best just to agree to disagree with others. There is, however, an important difference between matters of principle and matters of taste. In the words of Thomas Jefferson, "In matters of principle, stand like a rock; in matters of taste, swim with the current." Differences in tastes are a natural part of life. We are all unique individuals, and we each have our own set of tastes. We should usually not question or criticize the tastes of others so long as they are indeed tastes that do no harm to others. It is in matters of principle, where actions can create pain and suffering for others, that we must stand like a rock. We should all be concerned about justice and injustice in life. And when those around us are advocating action that we believe will lead to the suffering of others we should stand tall and firm even if it means that we will lose the good-will of some people. In the words of Henry Ward Beecher, "Expedients are for the hour, but principles are for the ages." We don't have to be crusaders to make a difference. All we have to do is be willing to stand up and be counted when the principles we strongly believe in are being violated. There is much virtue in being diplomatic and trying to avoid needless arguments. And there is no need to alienate those around us when our differences are nothing more than matters of taste. In such situations it is probably best to heed Jefferson's advice to "swim with the current." But, in matters of principle shouldn't we "stand like a rock?"

23. "We should gain more by letting ourselves be seen such as we are, than by attempting to appear what we are not."—Francois de La Rochefoucald We cannot successfully hide our true selves from others no matter how hard we try. Even if we are brilliant in our efforts, the most we might do is to fool some of the people some of the time. It is a serious mistake to try to bluff our way through life by pretending to be someone other than our true selves. Each one of us is special with our own unique set of talents and experiences, and we should work hard at developing our talents and being our unique selves to the best of our ability. There is a tendency for many of us to be too self conscious. We imagine ourselves unattractive. We think we are deficient in talents. In short, we tend to put ourselves down. This is a terrible mistake. God created us as individuals for a purpose, and we should be proud of who we are and make the most of God's creation. Some of the most famous people in history once had low opinions of themselves and were judged poorly by others. Abraham Lincoln grew up in poverty with almost no formal schooling. His mother died when he was only nine years old. He was extremely tall for his age and quite awkward. No doubt other boys made fun of young Abe and caused him much heartache and self-doubt. During most of his adult life Lincoln was not very distinguished in the eyes of his contemporaries, and he probably suffered from self-doubt much of the time. The first woman he asked to mary him, Mary Owens, turned him down. He ran for Congress in 1842 and lost. He was elected in 1846, but his two years in Congress were so undistinguished that he was not re-nominated by his party. He ran for the U.S. Senate in 1858 but was defeated. Even when he was elected President in 1860, many people ridiculed him for his lack of formal education and cultural sophistication. They believed that he was so lacking in administrative and diplomatic skills that he would be an incompetent president. Yet, Abraham Lincoln brought to the presidency such an uncommon degree of personal integrity, intelligence, and humanity that he has become one of the most revered and beloved leaders of all time. In every age, there are people who seem ordinary to themselves and those around them. However, when some of these people are faced with the proper challenge, they distinguish themselves as extraordinary people. So don’t we just be ourselves and see where that takes us?

24. "Take care that old age does not wrinkle your spirit even more than your face."—Michel de Montaigne

None of us can avoid the physical aging process that eventually wrinkles our skin. It is an inevitable part of growing old. But we don't have to allow it to wrinkle our heart and spirit as well. As we grow older our physical capacity gradually diminishes, but our mental capacity and our emotions need not be affected. Some people are just as sharp mentally when they are 90 years old as they were in their youth. And many have an even brighter outlook on life than people half their age. Our mental and emotional capacities do not have to diminish as we grow older, but they often do simply because we allow them to do so. Everybody seems to recognize the value of physical exercise in keeping our bodies in shape. But many fail to recognize the need to work at maintaining our mental and emotional capacities. We need to practice sound mental and emotional health right up to the day we die. Every stage of life has both positive and negative aspects. When we are young, we have the enthusiasm of youth and, since our whole lives are ahead of us, the sky is the limit as to our dreams. But there is also much insecurity in youth. We worry about such things as finding the right person to marry and choosing the right career. We worry that we will lose our jobs or become incapacitated and be unable to earn a good living, and there are so many other uncertainties. In our senior years most of these worries are behind us. We have had our failures along with our successes, but we have survived them. If we have children and grandchildren they can be a source of much joy, and we have the time to enjoy life. Once we are retired, we can spend time doing things we have always wanted to do but for which we never had sufficient time before. Some seniors find their last years the happiest, whereas others are miserable during their last years because they have allowed the aging process to wrinkle their heart and spirit. Many things are beyond our control. Some of us have more serious health problems than others, and these factors are bound to influence our attitude. But, if our only major problem is just that we have become old, we can continue to find happiness if we maintain the proper attitude.

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